Taking time out

EXHAUSTED.  That's the word I would use to explain our family at the moment.  I feel like a tornado has picked up our family and has twirled us around for months and FINALLY put us back down.  What is the name of this tornado?  Football.  This was the first year for tackle football for us and it had us in a tizzy!  It is finally over.  Do not get me wrong, I LOVE watching my boys play football, absolutely love it.  It was a blast to watch G-Man out there and see his face light up when he became the champions b/c they were undefeated.  It was such a joy to watch Randy get out there and tackle and see the love for the game grow inside him.  It's just been exhausting.  

The other day, I signed the boys up for basketball.  I learned that G-Man and Randy wouldn't be on the same team due to their age differences.  They also have different "seasons."  This means G-Man would play for a while and then after he was finished, Randy would pick up.  When that was over, baseball would start.  I had a mental breakdown.  

Randall got home and I discussed my thoughts with him.  I told him how that night was the first night in a LONG time that we had at home.  We cleaned, played, curled up and watched tv, laughed, and even had a home cook meal.  It was GLORIOUS!  The kids were enjoying each other and just loving the time at home.  We decided to skip basketball season.  I thought for sure Randy would not be happy. I was in tears thinking about telling him.  But, guess what?!  He was all for it.  Even at his young age, he realized how much we needed that time at home, together.  He said he wanted more nights like the one we just had. 

Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE watching my boys play sports. However,  I saw the need that our family had.  We needed time TOGETHER.  Not on a field, or on a court.  We needed togetherness.  Our family was craving it and we didn't even realize it.  Everyone was on edge.  Everyone.  I told Randall I felt like I was being selfish.  He told me, "What part of wanting to be together is being selfish?"  

A couple of days later, I pick up the boys from school and I hear Randy say, "YAY!  Tonight is fun night!"  I asked him what that meant.  His response was, "You know, a night like we had the other night, playing and enjoying time at home!"  

Yes, I think it is safe to say we made the right choice.  Will I miss basketball season?  You betcha.  I love the sound of the ball dribbling up and down that court.  However, I love the sound of my children laughing and enjoying time together much more.  

I don't know what it was that got our family in this rut, but I am thankful we saw the need to climb out.  Some families can do it and still find time together, but I felt like our family was falling apart.  We were all frustrated with each other and just not focusing on our family and the Lord.  I am excited for some quality time together, which is MUCH NEEDED!  

A.l.m.o.s.t. t.h.e.r.e!

First off, thank you all for being so kind to me with my last post.  I wasn't doing it to get a "you are doing a great job."  I put it out there to explain how I have to depend on God to lead me.  I can't do this on my own.  I have to let Him take control.  I don't know how many others out there feel this way, and I hope if they read this, they learned they aren't alone.

Summer is almost here.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as we finally reach MAY!  I can already feel the warm hot sun on my face, hear the kids splashing in the pool, and I can feel the long cozy naps that happen after a long day at the pool!  I am READY!  However, for now we have 17 days left.  I think I can, I think I can!

Ruthie is in Florida right now with my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and my niece!  She is having a blast.  Some think I am crazy b/c I sent her during the school year.  However, I know the learning experience will be great, and she will see so many new things!  The last time she went to the beach, she was just about 16 months old!  She was way to little to remember anything!  She has had quite the experience so far.  I hope to let her type up a blog post when she gets back and I want to let her share her photos!  I thought that would be fun for her!  Let's just say this mamma is struggling with missing her.  The first few days were ok, but yesterday, every post her aunt posted on Instagram, had me in tears.  I am ready for the big hug and kiss and the many stories she will share!

Randy and I are quite lonely now that she's gone.  We have been keeping busy outside.  It's been a gorgeous week, only to be changed by the weather at the end of this week.  He is still playing t-ball and he has improved so much.  Not only in the hitting, but also in the fielding category.  So proud of the little ball-player he has become!

Randall was recently put back on what I like to call the crazy shift.  3 on, 3 off, and every fifth shift will be nights.  UGH.  We truly enjoyed the Mon-Thurs, 7-5 shift.  We loved having him off with us every weekend and every church service.  Please be in prayer for him b/c he hates it when he has to miss being fed spiritually at church.

Now, a post isn't a post without some photos right?   I don't want to let you down in that area!

We had practice earlier this week, and I love watching him learn and grow!  He is doing so good!  Surprised I was able to snag this shot!  All taken with my Samsung S3, edited in Instagram. 

Peek-a-boo boy after a dirty night at practice!

New swing set = long evenings outdoors!

This is how the cool guys rock bedtime: gickeys, glasses, and Mamma's bed!

A hard lesson to swallow

I honestly don't even know how to begin this post.  The best way is to just be downright honest.  Here I go.  

I am not the mother I want to be.  I fail daily. I fail most when it comes to Ruthie.  I have heard people say you tend to be harder on your daughters if you are a mother, and harder on your sons if you are a father.  I guess I fall into that category.  Last night, I realized what a crappy mother I have been.  Yes, I have taught her right from wrong and how to love the Lord.  However, I wonder if she knows how special she is to me.  I learned last night, she doesn't.  After church we grabbed some dinner.  Randall took Randy to slop the hogs, while Ruthie and I headed home.  I want her to get a good night of rest on school nights.  As I tuck her in, she says, "Mommy, will you snuggle with me?"  I just told her I needed to get some stuff finished and that I couldn't.  My house is a complete and utter mess.  I have a million loads of laundry to fold and put away.  I have about 7 loads of dirty blankets to wash.  I need to do the dishes.  I need to sweet, mop, and vacuum.  I need to clean the toilet.  I need to figure out what to pack for her b/c she is about to head to Florida this next week.  I have photos to edit from my nephew's wedding.  I have homework that needs to be finished.  

As I walk off, I just hang my head and think to myself, what kind of mother am I.  She is seven.  She is an adult in eleven years.  Almost as long as I have had her.  Why can't I take time out and just snuggle my baby girl? 

 I stop what I am doing, head back to her room and crawl into bed with her.  The smile on her face tells me I did the right thing.  However, there is more she needs.  She doesn't just need my company, but she needs to hear words of affection.  See, Ruthie is like me.  She needs affection.  She needs reminders she is important. Have I helped her in this area?  Not near as much as I should have.  As we snuggle together, I just feel the need to tell her just how much she means to me.  

I told her how I have loved her the moment I knew she was in my womb.  I told her of how she made me a mother.  She is my first born.  

I told her how she looks just like her Daddy with the perfect Qualls nose and beautiful lips.  I told her my favorite physical feature she has is her dark brown eyes, b/c they are just like mine. 

I told her of how she was such a fun little baby with so much personality. She loved to stand on her head with her hiney in the air and leap like a frog.  

How she loved to wear her boots just like her Daddy and play in the dirt.

I told her of how she was shy around everyone.  She loved to be around Mommy and Daddy.  She never wanted to talk to strangers.  I told her how she would usually cry when it was time to be dropped off at daycare, but when time came for Kindergarten, she was just fine and kept asking me if I was going to cry.  I told her I cried all the way to work that day. 

I told her how she is so much like her Daddy when she gets nervous b/c she is all smiles.  Her Daddy is the same way.  She giggled when I told her to think about how much he smiles when he's preaching.  It's b/c he is nervous.

I told her how every moment with her has been amazing, but the best moment of all was when she asked Jesus into her heart.  I told her how I had been praying she would soon be ready and the moment she looked at me with tears in her eyes I knew she was ready.  I told her how one day I will be waiting on her in Heaven so we can walk the streets of gold together.  

As I tell her all this, she is sobbing in my arms.  I asked her why she was crying and she told me it was b/c I made her feel so special.  That's when I broke down.  She doesn't feel special.  I have failed.  She is more special to me than she will ever know.  I guess I just haven't told her enough.  I haven't hugged her enough.  I haven't kissed her enough.  She is my daughter.  The one God has trusted me to raise.  I need to wake up and put my priorities straight.  I need to let me daughter know she is everything to me.  I would do anything for her.  I love her to the ends of the earth.  I need to put the phone down, put the camera down, get off the computer, quit reading, and just enjoy my babies.  I need to put myself aside and let them have their mommy.  

When Randall came home, I broke down on him as well.  I told him I failed.  He looked at me, told me I haven't failed b/c we still have her.  I am thankful to have a man like him.  I just need to step it up and be the parent God has intended me to be.  All these worldly things don't matter.  What matters?  My children matter.  I am a mother.  A mother who isn't perfect, but is learning day by day.  A mother who has a wonderful God to help teach her how to be a parent.  

Life, it's blessings and struggles

I have failed at updating this blog.  I doubt I have many readers! (maybe just Mari!  She is the only one who comments!)  However, I still like to blog to look back on the memories!  I LOVE looking back at my old blog and seeing Ruthie, little itty bitty Ruthie!

As always, things are crazy around here.  I wish I could say we have learned to slow down.  Nope.  Even though we are not in any extra curricular  activities, we are still busy!  I don't think I have mentioned my praise on here yet!  A while back, Randall was asked if he would be willing to work Monday-Thursday, 7-5.  His old crazy schedule, was three days on, three days off, with each shift switching nights.  He jumped on this opportunity.  I am so happy too b/c god blessed us with it!  Randall has always wanted to be able to attend church each and every service.  When we took over the youth, we realized his old schedule was quite hard.  I would teach when he worked, but I had to find a male to fill in.  It was much easier when he was there and then we didn't have to burden anyone.  Now, he is able to be right there, every.single.service!  The kids are loving it too.  He also gets off at 5pm instead of 7pm!  Makes bedtime much easier and dinner time too!

We are loving leading the youth group.  We really see their growth.  We recently knocked out a way and joined two rooms together to make one larger room.  Let's just say if we wouldn't have, last Wednesday night would have been SQUISHED!  We were so thankful to have a room full of youth!  To top it off, we had an amazing young lady and her brother teach a lesson on forgiveness.  Wow.  It was so moving and so amazing to see God work in these young people's lives and see them grow, all for His glory!  She moved many of us to tears.  I truly believe when you can learn to forgive, you have reached a very high spot in spiritual growth.  Especially when it's something like this situation was.

I am still doing a few classes at college.  I am struggling b/c it is not my main priority, but I know it's for the best.  Just hard to deal with it all.  This semester I am taking an Organizational Leadership class (what I am majoring in) and Social Psychology.  The funny thing is, I am enjoying my Social Psych class!  I do find it interesting.  It's just hard to find the time to study and do my work.  I usually wait until the last minute. 

My baby girl turns SEVEN tomorrow.  SEVEN! Where has the time gone?  She has amazed me lately.  She challenges me in every sense, but that's just who she is.  I recently talked to her teacher and I was confronted with a hard situation.  Raising kids is not as easy as it seems.  I want to raise her in God's way.  I hope we are doing just that.  The situation is- Ruthie seems to always believe everyone should be kind at all times.  She gets her feelings hurt very, very easily.  This in turn, breaks my heart.  When my baby girl comes home crying, I feel like I am failing her.  I can't help but wonder if I have failed her.  I really don't know how to handle this situation.  Of course we tell her others are mean and we have to rest in the fact that we are weird (just using Bro. Travis' terms!) b/c we follow God in all that we do.  Or at least we TRY!  She expects more out of people.  I see this as a positive thing, but yet I see her heart being broken over and over.  It's such a fine line, and apparently I struggle with finding that line. My heart just aches for her. 

Life is a constant struggle and times are only getting worse.  I just pray that God tells Jesus, "Son go get Your children" soon.  I have always wanted to see my grandbabies, but yet, I don't want them to suffer in this world.